– William Shakespeare, ‘The Grocery Shop’.
Scared that a celebrity chef might drop in unannounced and ask to cook from your fridge supplies?
Have you been placing new vegetables on top of old vegetables in your crisper, hoping the rotten ones will just disappear?
Did you make a plan to eat healthier, then realise that you don’t even like chives?
Perhaps you just want the comfort of knowing that all the cheese you’ve been buying hasn’t formed into one solid lump and become a dairy-monster.
Let’s give that fridge a clean out, and stop that monster in his tracks!
In this post, I’ll shed some light on what happens when you buy multiple bags of kale; learn that it’s “Brussels Sprouts” not “Brussel Sprouts” and then spill the ones I bought onto the ground; make the kitchen even messier as I try to clean it; forget about the things in the fridge door, and generally play with my food.
Sadly, the fridge that I currently have isn’t a cyborg and can’t do things that I should be doing for my own health and happiness. If you’re in the same refrigerated boat, let’s clean out our cooler cupboards together.
I’ve waited until the end of the work week when my energy is lowest, and my vegetables are at their grossest – which I can only assume will mean this goes smoothly.
Now, your fridge isn’t a cyborg – we’ve established that. But are you 100% sure that it’s not even the tiniest bit sentient after living around humans for so long? If, like me, you tend to err on the side of caution – the first step to a good fridge clean is to trick it into thinking it’s the last thing on your mind. Go out and grab yourself a coffee. If you suspect that your refrigerator is extra wily, then maybe also invest in a choc croissant and an apricot danish.
There is a slight danger, that as well as distracting your fridge from its imminent clean – you’ll also distract yourself from the chore you were supposed to be doing.
Some of us might accidentally find ourselves watching ‘Animals on the Court’ – funny clips of when birds and lizards walked onto a tennis court during an important game. Others might pick up the closest David Baldacci crime thriller and get lost in the antics of a fictional FBI Detective when we should be solving our own crimes.
Ok, it’s time to face the music – or in this case, face the 3 packets of open cheese slices that have probably seen better dairy days. Why did we open more cheese when there was already cheese to be had? Who knows – probably poltergeists. There’s also one slice of very processed cheese from a mystery packet, that I’m sure has been in there for months and is just as fresh as the day it was pressed. That can’t be good.
Don’t be disheartened if, when you’re just getting on a roll, the fridge makes you drop a punnet of Brussels sprouts. Everyone’s pretty so-so about eating them anyway, and you did your best. We’ll buy some more and try again another time. You’re also probably going to find at least 3 of them behind the fridge when you move – so there’s that to look forward to.
Drag the rest of the fridge contents onto the bench, and do a stocktake. Remember “Anything that is more squish than delish, throw away. Anything that can be saved – saute away.” Not now though, saute when it’s cooking time.
I made a decision to take all the oldest veg out of their plastic sarcophagi and keep them loose in the (newly washed) crisper. Taking the cauliflower for example, out of its wrappings – seems like it will trick me into thinking it’s less of a process to cook it, than if I also had the VERY high hurdle of having to deal with cling wrap.
Also, why do they make such large bags of spinach and kale mix? I can only assume (I do a lot of that) that it’s because nobody likes it much and they (the kale corporation) need to get rid of their greenery. We only ever seem to use half a bag at most before it gives up.
Make sure you check all the ‘use by’ dates on your condiments. Did you know that basil doesn’t last forever? Not even garlic will wait for you to eat it. Luckily they’re all still good, and we’re guaranteed continued protection from any supernatural vampiric night knocks.
Sorting through your supplies is half the job. The other half is knocking your head on the inside of the fridge as you lean in to wipe out the food crumbs and sauce spills.
I found that putting the shelves and ‘fresh bin’ on the carpet after washing, gave them time to have a look out the door and appreciate a different perspective before they went back to their home. Also, I’d made quite a few puddles of fridge water on the kitchen floor by this point, and the carpet was the only dry spot.
With a nice clean fridge, you’re ready to restock with all your favourite treats. And carrots.
We tend to use the ‘Fresh Room’ at the top for our most important food – like chocolate and old sultanas. Butter, fruit and breakfasty stuff tends to go on the first shelf, then it’s a free-for-all on the rest of the shelves. But you do you, friend.
If you didn’t ‘get a chance’ to clean the jam jars in the fridge door, don’t beat yourself up about it – jam is one of the few things that DO last forever, and you’ll be right to keep eating that without checking its dates.
Give yourself a big pat on the back, and take a cauliflower floret for later. You’re amazing. Cooler than “The Fonz” on a frosty day, and now have the fridge to prove it.
